I put my new top on, and suddenly everything is fine :)

For those of you on tenterhooks, I did get in to that top that had been staring accusingly at me, and yes, I did to a little victory dance. Dance like no one is watching right! (unfortunately of course, someone was watching, and they may never let me forget it.)

Today was shit. And it should've been so good. I'm down to 14'9, which means that I've lost a stone already. I fit in to that top I've not worn since I brought it two years ago. My jeans need a belt. My boss said how good I was looking. For the first time since I honestly can't remember when, I looked in the mirror and didn't hate what I saw - do you have any idea what that can do for your self confidence!?!?

So I was practically soaring on my way to work this morning, my feet barely touched the ground, and I was singing my little heart out on the bus (note to self: other people can still hear you when you're wearing headphones!)

So, I hear you cry, what dampened this perfect mood? What cloud could possibly have blackened my mood on today of all days, when my arse is looking so excitingly like an arse rather than a marshmellow.

Can't you guess?

It was girls. Bloody shitty crappy snotty bitchy girls.

And I love them, hell, some of my best friends are girls. But god damn it, we can be bitchy when we want to!

Would any nice, normal, vaguely humane person, bring in a homemade chocolate cake and deliberately waft it under the nose of someone who is one week in to a serious diet, whilst constantly purring about how delicious and moist it happens to be, possibly the best chocolate cake in the world and don't worry because there's plenty for everyone? And when that plan spectacularly failed, would anyone who wasn't competing with Hitler, Stalin and Bush on the evil-o-meter then bring out a foil wrapped roast dinner to microwave and waft the smells about some more?

This is a girl who, until now, has never brought anything more interesting in to lunch than a mouldy sandwich. Suddenly she's turned in to Bree from Desperate Housewives!

I just wonder how long it'll go on for. SURELY she'll get bored eventually, and I know that I can outlast her. In fact, she's doing me a favour really - she's pissed me off now, and I'm bloody stubborn when I'm pissed off. Not one teeny tiny morsel, other than what Howard's Way tell me to eat, will touch my lips until a) I have reached my target weight, and b) I am skinnier than her (not that hard).

I don't mean to go on about why girls are evil to other girls on diets, and to be fair, there are some people at work who have been really great about it, asking me about how it's going and telling me I'm looking good (sometimes over the phone, which is a little suspicious, but every girl likes a compliment!).

Anyway, home now and about to tuck in to my favourite of the foods (chocolate milkshake) which I've been looking forward to all afternoon. I got a cereal bar today too- pineapple flavoured and delish! Think my taste buds might explode if I ever got hold of some actual calories!

Blogs

Also, I spent a lot of time today looking at blogs (in my spare time of course, I would certainly never consider wasting time while I'm at work looking at blogs on the computer when I could be doing so many more productive things like....)

It was really nice to be able to comment on some of the people's blogs that I've been reading for ages, when I was trying to get up the courage to start this diet and this blog. I think people on the internet can be a real inspiration to other people, even if they're a million miles away, because it's always nice to know that whatever you're going through, someone else has been there are felt that.

So thank you to everyone who inspired this diet, because I really feel that it's given me a massive boost already. I'm a stone lighter than I was a week ago and if I'd known it was this easy, I'd have done it years ago!

Opinions on surgery.

Read a great post today from "Tales of the morbidly obese". It's an old post, but will always be relevant I think.

"Sometimes I wonder about the people who stumble upon this blog from comments on other blogs or just from searches. Are they just disgusted like people are in the real world by morbidly obese people? Am I somehow even less since I used surgery to escape the prison of morbid obesity?

Just I am just starting to learn what it is like to travel in a regular size body. No one can know the cumulative effects of morbid obesity without having lived it. Every day is one indignity after another. While you are suffering through those, people expect a constantly sunny disposition. You feel beholden to give them the funny, smiling fatty persona they expect.

What about you? The ones who have stumbled on this blog. Look at my before pictures and tell what you would have thought of me seeing me on the street. How does your impression change by seeing recent pictures of me? Or does it? Is the fat lot cast?"

It makes me really regret my previous post about people who get surgery to 'release themselves from the prison of morbid obesity.' At the time (and this was only a week ago), it seemed like surgery was a cheat. That somehow, by paying rather than working for the weight loss, you somehow don't deserve it. It's taken me a week of drinking nothing but milkshakes to realise that being morbidly obese is payment in itself, and anything that you do to relieve yourself from that prison is a positive step, and one that everyone should respect.

Surgery is not for me, it's not something that I ever considered, but I would like to apologise to everyone who has 'gone under the knife,' because I realise that I've been trying to disassociate myself from you. In my arrogance, I've passed judgement on other people who have been through the social ostracism, taunts, and feelings of self disgust that have plagued me for most of my life, and I have labelled them cheats because they found a way out of it.

Do other people consider me a cheat because I've chosen the relatively easy weight loss plan of a Very Low Calorie Diet instead of stomach crunches every morning? Probably. This diet is the easiest thing I've ever done - I don't have to even think about cooking or washing up, and the weight is just falling off me. It's probably considerably easier than surgery, and involves considerably less risk, money and pain.

I watched Louis Theroux last night, doing a documentary on plastic surgery in which he actually wound up getting liposuction. It was amazing to see the confidence people gained from their surgery, and the happier they were in their lives afterwards. I'm still no fan of it, but who am I to deny other fat people their chance at a happy life where people don't stare at them as they walk down the street. From now, anything that makes someone happy is just fine by me.

Slightly bizarre side effects

Interesting side effect; my mouth is dry. Dunno why, as I'm drinking about 4litres of water a day. Anyone know why?

I could ask my locum lady, but don't want to bother her on a Sunday. They say they don't mind, but who wants to work on a Sunday! Frankly I'd rather not work any day!

Constipation update

I know that everyone is just dying to know the updated state of my bowels after Thursday's riveting post on the subject. How could I be so callous as to do a whole post without mentioning it!?!

Well, you'll be pleased to hear that I am no longer getting the tummy pains or making the embarrassing gurgling noises. I took a slightly stronger laxative that my locum recommended and believe that there is now officially nothing left to come out.

Let me hear you say wooooop!!!

I'm so happy today. I went to the gym and did a good workout, I am over the constipation debacle, I passed the test so I know everything there is to know about what's going on in my body, and I got through a shopping trip to Tescos without really desiring anything. Also, my pyjama bottoms fell off when I stood up this morning!!!

I brought a top ages ago that I really liked and then promptly put on about half a stone before I had the opportunity to wear it. It's been sitting in my wardrobe for months, staring at me accusingly every time I chose my trackybums. It even still has the price tag on it, but I couldn't stand to take it back and hear the shop assistant thinking "bit optimistic were we fatty?"

I shall try it on tomorrow, and if it fits I shall go and find that hypothetical shop assistant and I shall do a little dance infront of her, and then she'll be sorry! Then they'll all be sorry!!!

other people's reactions

Normally when I start a diet, I don't tell anyone.

It's not that I'm afraid of their reaction if I fail or anything logical like that, it's just that I find that people fall in to about 4 basic categories:

- Supportive. I can deal with these people, they're nice and leave me to get on with it while occasionally remarking how thin I'm looking

- Bemused. After the unbelievable frustrating chorus of "oh but you're fine the way you are!" (which traditionally leaves me unmotivated and with an overwhelming desire to scream "apart from the fact that I'm about 4lbs away from being Jabba the Hut!")

- Critical. Thought I was over-reacting to the bemused people? Try telling me that I'm dieting all wrong and should try cutting out all carbs and jogging 6 miles every morning if you want to see me turn slowly purple in an effort not to choke on my own bitter retorts.

- Destructive. These are the worst. They pretend to be your friend, and start of all supportive, whilst secretly plotting to undermine your willpower by 'rewarding' you for losing a pound with a large slab of chocolate cake that they cooked especially for you and will be soooo hurt if you don't just take a bite. There is no circle in hell deep enough for these people. Except the one populated by double-glazing sales people.

So that is a basic summary of why I don't tell people when I go on a diet, but unfortunately that means that there's not as much pressure to stay on the straight and narrow. This diet, I decided to tell everyone about. Mostly because it's quite hard to hide the fact that I'm only drinking milkshakes for 12 weeks, but more importantly, it's because I'm actually really proud of myself for deciding to do this diet.

This is not a fad diet, this is me changing my life around. I've done all the research to answer the critical people, I have more than enough bitter retorts in my armoury for the bemused people, and frankly I am quite prepared to bitch-slap the destructive people. So bring it on.

Constipation.

Constipation is not a funny thing. It may sound funny, but it is quite definitely not.

Was feeling so good today. Although it was Halloween and I'm surrounded by sweeties (I'm sure that England has become more Americanized in it's celebrations of Halloween - there's costumes and special sweetie jars and pumpkin carving kits and, is it just me, or have all the supermarkets done massive discounts on all things sweetie? Back in the day it was a hollowed out pumpkin and possibly a witches hat made out of paper you coloured in yourself the year before.)

Apologies for the brain splurge there. Stay with me.

Back on to the poo thing... I've been having a few laxatives, which have been helping, but I keep hearing these loud and slightly embarassing gurgling noises from my belly which my locum lady has suggested might be a sign that there is more to come out.

So what do you do? Do you force it out, do you wait until it comes out naturally, or do you dose yourself up with laxative? I lost 2lbs today, which is so amazing, but I can't help feeling that if I could just get rid of whatever is left in my belly, I'd lose it even faster.

So that's today's little anecdote, many apologies if I grossed you out with my bowel movements (or lack thereof)! I'm really chuffed today because I've had loads of energy all day, haven't been hungry at all, and I mixed my foods properly at last and have decided that the tomato soup one is actually really quite delicious. Possibly this is just the lack of anything to compare it with, but I'm finding myself looking forward to it like I normally would a bag of chips. Still not big on vegetables of course, but it would take the disintegration of every other food source on the planet before I happily ate most vegetables.

Also today I had my one week check up at Howard's Way. They took pictures (you can already see a big difference to the ones they took a week ago), and took me through all the stuff I've been learning about what's going on in my body (which I shall explain in the next blog).

So, drum roll please.... it's one week in, and my official weight is.....

14stone 12pounds!!!

It's been sooo long since there's been a 14 at the start of my weight!!! And tomorrow I'm allowed to start on the Howard's Way 'bars' which are part of the food I'm allowed from now on and I'm really looking forward to something a wee bit solid (unless I have to shit it all out again of course!!!)

why girls are bitches to other girls on diets

Why are girls such bitches? I'm sorry, and I don't mean to be unfair on any of my sex, but mention that you're on a diet to another girl and suddenly the talons come out and she will stop at literally nothing to put you off it.

I was feeling pretty vulnerable today. Although I wasn't expecting the 4lbs a day thing to last, I was pretty gutted when I'd actually put on weight yesterday, so I didn't have my defensive cloak of self belief that had helped me through work yesterday. I was not emotionally prepared to deal with the people sitting next to me and staging long discussions about which foods they were craving and what they were looking forward to for lunch.

Since I decided to go on this diet, I've met with some pretty mixed reactions from the people I've told. I know that Very Low Calorie Diets like this have had some pretty bad press in the past, but if one more person tells me that all my hair will fall out and that I'll be fainting every five minutes, or be left infertile, or probably be dead within a week, I shall think of some very scathing retort and say it to them with one eyebrow raised. And that will show them.

Do people not think that I've researched this? That I didn't spend weeks and weeks on the internet, reading what other people had been through and listening to medical advice before choosing this diet? I've put it down to a few reasons, which I shall now expand upon in my little list that I shall call "why girls are bitches to other girls on diets."

WHY GIRLS ARE BITCHES TO OTHER GIRLS ON DIETS:
- Every girl likes to have a fat best friend to go shopping with/ the beach with/ have as a bridesmaid to make themselves feel better
- Every girl has tried to diet and failed, and the possibility that you might succeed is too much to bear
- Girls figure that the fatter the rest of the world is, the thinner they will look by comparison
- Girls are naturally bitchy, and this is simply an opportunity to show it.

I will undoubtedly think of more and add them to the list in the coming weeks.

Anyway, on the (vaguely) plus side, I lost 3lbs today, which makes up slightly for yesterdays little debacle, and I'm back on track. Sorry for the rant.

TFR Total Food Replacement

Oooh, forgot to say- my food came today!

The Very Low Calorie Diet that I'm on is a TFR, or Total Food Replacement. That means I'm not allowed to eat or drink ANYTHING except what they give me (and water). I knew that bit already, but didn't realise how strict it was!

I'm not allowed to
- chew gum
- have headache tablets with sugar on (!)
- have milk or sugar in my coffee!

Apparently in a few days after I start (can't start til I've done a few more checks, which is good because there's so much information in the pack I got this morning that I don't even know where to begin!) I go in to 'Ketosis' which means "state in metabolism occurring when the liver excessively converts fat into fatty acids and ketone bodies which can be used by the body for energy" (gotta love Wiki!). This is apparently a good thing, because when it happens I don't crave food any more and my body uses is better able to use my stored glucose to run my body.

I hope I sounded like I knew what I was talking about there, I've been reading for hours and I'm still a bit confused. Guess that's why I go to Howard's Way for classes and support once a week!

VLCD

I'm really excited today. I've been putting off writing a blog about the particular diet that I plan to do because I've been really worried they might not accept me. It's a diet program where they perform full medical tests and make sure that you've got your Doctor's permission to go ahead before they'll let you start. After my Doctor told me last time I saw him that I had to lose three stone or risk heart failure, I was absolutely petrified to go back to him a month later and not be any thinner!

It's not like I've wasted that month. I've been researching diet plans really carefully, because I just can't fail this time! I wanted a diet that didn't involve calorie counting (because frankly my maths isn't brilliant and it's waaaaay too easy to cheat), loses the weight quickly but safely (I don't care if it's not the happiest 12 weeks of my life, I just need to lose 3 stone), that had guaranteed results, and preferably didn't involve me strutting around in a leotard doing butt thrusts. Basically I wanted a diet that was quick, effective, safe, simple to follow and impossible to cheat.

So I spent ages researching, and came across the idea of a VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet). It's a diet that delivers less than 800 calories per day, which is apparently the exact amount that we need and no more. They're "formulated, nutritionally complete, liquid meals containing 3350 kJ (800 kcal) or less per day. VLCDs also contain the recommended daily requirements for vitamins, minerals, trace elements, fatty acids and protein. The VLCD products are usually a powder which is mixed with water or another low calorie liquid" according to the all knowing Wikipedia.

So I looked in to a few VLCD companies, and I've gone for HOWARD'S WAY!

QUICK: tick. Apparently the average is over 3 stones in 12 weeks.
EFFECTIVE: tick. 3 STONE IN 12 WEEKS! Do you have any idea how long that normally takes!
SAFE: tick. Hence the Doctor's approval being necessary, plus constant medical checkups (and I think they monitor your pee, which is kinda gross but I can deal with it.)
SIMPLE: tick. all food provided- what could be easier!
IMPOSSIBLE TO CHEAT: tick. Can't cheat if it's all provided. No 'forgetting' that I ate a chocolate bar when adding up my daily intake! Also, there's something called "Ketosis" which is something that your body goes into after a few days on these milkshakes which supposedly stops your cravings. And if you do have something naughty after that they can tell because it's in your pee!)

I had a friend who recommended them (Howards Way) after losing 5 stone(!) with them last year. The reason I think it worked so well with her is because they taught her about what different foods do to the body while she was on the program, so she learnt what not to eat. To be honest, and I know this sounds dumb, but I'm not really sure what's bad and what isn't. I mean, I know that chocolate is bad and apples are good, but why is white bread not as good as brown bread? Sarah (said friend) is always looking at me accusingly when I'm about to munch down on a sandwich, which you would've thought was a pretty healthy snack really, and goes on about broken down starch or something...possibly if I listened more I wouldn't have a BMI of 40 and wouldn't wobble when I walk.

Anyway, my point is that last time I did a diet (Weightwatchers) I lost about 3 stone in just under a year, with huge amounts of hard effort, self denial, weekly humiliation and time at the gym hiding until all the fit people had left, only to put it all on again within 8 months (and then some). This time I want to learn about food and to get in to better habits.

So. I started this post by saying that I was excited, and then proceeded to waffle my way through the subsequent paragraphs without really saying what I was excited about... I got in to the program! They've accepted my application, I've filled in all the paperwork, done my medical examination, my Doctor was really happy with me, and by this time next week I shall be considerably lighter and spending my evenings peeing in a bottle!

(Let me hear you say woop woop!)

Obesity Challenge

I figured if anyone is going to read the story of my extreme diet, they should probably know a thing or two about me. I spent ages trying to type out a few paragraphs that explained who I am, how I got the way I am, and how I feel about it all, but nothing really came out (then I got upset and went to the kitchen and we all know that is a BAD IDEA. Took a whole lotta will power to walk away from the squidgey chocolate gooey cake that some bugger put there to tempt me).

Anyway, to cut a long a slightly meandering story short, I got a friend to ask me some questions and I've answered them as honestly as I can.

MEASUREMENTS:
weight: 15stone 7pounds (98.5kg)
height: 5ft 2inches (158cm) -yes I know I'm small!
BMI: 40
bust: 127cm
waist: 115cm
hips: 123cm

1. How long have you been overweight?
Although I've probably always been a little on the chubby side, it was in sixth form (when I was about 17) that I started putting on the serious weight. I'm 24 now, and although I've gone up and down a few times, it's been at least 7 years since I was a vaguely healthy weight.

2. Do you think there's a reason you started putting on the weight in the first place?
As with every obese person, I'm sure there's a whole bunch of reasons. My parent's divorced when I was young, and although I don't want to put all the blame on that, it did shake my confidence a lot and probably led me to comfort eating.

Also, my Dad is a chef, and brings home pastries and cakes practically every night so there's always been temptation in my way. I think one of the main things I'll have to overcome if I'm to lose this weight is to resist the temptation of eating what's in the cupboards at home!

Everyone talks about the "vicious cycle" of comfort eating, and it's so true. I eat because I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy because I get bullied, and I get bullied because I eat. I'm not doing this diet for the bullies, I'm doing it for me, but a large part of it is regaining the self-esteem that I've lost through being bullied most of my life.

3. How does being overweight make you feel?
I think the predominant feeling is one of being different; of not fitting in. In the school yard and even in the work place, the crime of "not fitting in" is punishable by verbal torment and social ostracism (which was REALLY helpful to my already fairly fragile ego of course). I feel ugly, lazy and tired most of the time.

4. What do you eat on an average day?
hmmm... Lots.
Basically I have my three meals a day and then punctuate it with snacks and pastries and chocolate and all sorts of yummy things that serve no other purpose than making me feel better and adding another pound or two to my already volumptuous arse.

5. Do people comment on your weight?
Not much to my face, I think people are kinda used to it now. When I lost some weight on WeightWatchers last year I really enjoyed getting the compliments that came with it, but of course, that weight all went back on pretty darned fast. That's why I've taken care to pick a diet program this time that provides more after care and support.

6. How does it affect your everyday life?
Mostly in tiredness. I can't keep up with other people that well, and that makes me feel like a burden which (guess what) has me reaching for the chocolatey goodness.

7. What made you decide to start this diet?
Because I'm ready to change my life.

8. Has your weight caused any health problems?
I went to the doctors recently, who gave me a pretty stern talking to about the pressure that I was putting on my heart, as well as my high blood pressure and chances of developing diabetes. He scared the living daylights out of me to be honest, and for that, I thank him because it was the kick up the backside that jump-started this whole thing.

9. What is your ultimate aim?
- To lose 3 stone.
- To lose my double chin
- To touch my toes
- To be healthier, happier and more confident in myself.

10. What are your main doubts and worries?
As a compulsive comfort eater, I worry that my cravings will be stronger than my resolve. It will take me 12 weeks to lose 3 stone, and that's a long time to be strong.