Constipation.

Constipation is not a funny thing. It may sound funny, but it is quite definitely not.

Was feeling so good today. Although it was Halloween and I'm surrounded by sweeties (I'm sure that England has become more Americanized in it's celebrations of Halloween - there's costumes and special sweetie jars and pumpkin carving kits and, is it just me, or have all the supermarkets done massive discounts on all things sweetie? Back in the day it was a hollowed out pumpkin and possibly a witches hat made out of paper you coloured in yourself the year before.)

Apologies for the brain splurge there. Stay with me.

Back on to the poo thing... I've been having a few laxatives, which have been helping, but I keep hearing these loud and slightly embarassing gurgling noises from my belly which my locum lady has suggested might be a sign that there is more to come out.

So what do you do? Do you force it out, do you wait until it comes out naturally, or do you dose yourself up with laxative? I lost 2lbs today, which is so amazing, but I can't help feeling that if I could just get rid of whatever is left in my belly, I'd lose it even faster.

So that's today's little anecdote, many apologies if I grossed you out with my bowel movements (or lack thereof)! I'm really chuffed today because I've had loads of energy all day, haven't been hungry at all, and I mixed my foods properly at last and have decided that the tomato soup one is actually really quite delicious. Possibly this is just the lack of anything to compare it with, but I'm finding myself looking forward to it like I normally would a bag of chips. Still not big on vegetables of course, but it would take the disintegration of every other food source on the planet before I happily ate most vegetables.

Also today I had my one week check up at Howard's Way. They took pictures (you can already see a big difference to the ones they took a week ago), and took me through all the stuff I've been learning about what's going on in my body (which I shall explain in the next blog).

So, drum roll please.... it's one week in, and my official weight is.....

14stone 12pounds!!!

It's been sooo long since there's been a 14 at the start of my weight!!! And tomorrow I'm allowed to start on the Howard's Way 'bars' which are part of the food I'm allowed from now on and I'm really looking forward to something a wee bit solid (unless I have to shit it all out again of course!!!)

why girls are bitches to other girls on diets

Why are girls such bitches? I'm sorry, and I don't mean to be unfair on any of my sex, but mention that you're on a diet to another girl and suddenly the talons come out and she will stop at literally nothing to put you off it.

I was feeling pretty vulnerable today. Although I wasn't expecting the 4lbs a day thing to last, I was pretty gutted when I'd actually put on weight yesterday, so I didn't have my defensive cloak of self belief that had helped me through work yesterday. I was not emotionally prepared to deal with the people sitting next to me and staging long discussions about which foods they were craving and what they were looking forward to for lunch.

Since I decided to go on this diet, I've met with some pretty mixed reactions from the people I've told. I know that Very Low Calorie Diets like this have had some pretty bad press in the past, but if one more person tells me that all my hair will fall out and that I'll be fainting every five minutes, or be left infertile, or probably be dead within a week, I shall think of some very scathing retort and say it to them with one eyebrow raised. And that will show them.

Do people not think that I've researched this? That I didn't spend weeks and weeks on the internet, reading what other people had been through and listening to medical advice before choosing this diet? I've put it down to a few reasons, which I shall now expand upon in my little list that I shall call "why girls are bitches to other girls on diets."

WHY GIRLS ARE BITCHES TO OTHER GIRLS ON DIETS:
- Every girl likes to have a fat best friend to go shopping with/ the beach with/ have as a bridesmaid to make themselves feel better
- Every girl has tried to diet and failed, and the possibility that you might succeed is too much to bear
- Girls figure that the fatter the rest of the world is, the thinner they will look by comparison
- Girls are naturally bitchy, and this is simply an opportunity to show it.

I will undoubtedly think of more and add them to the list in the coming weeks.

Anyway, on the (vaguely) plus side, I lost 3lbs today, which makes up slightly for yesterdays little debacle, and I'm back on track. Sorry for the rant.

Excuses

Thinking about it though...I was wearing a big cardigan when I weighed myself yesterday...I bet that added a pound or two.

bugger

Bit depressed today. Put on 2lbs and have no idea how.

I did everything right. I ate my milkshakes, I drank loads of water, I peed in a bottle... how can fat possibly have found its way in to my body!?!?

I even pooed today, which is something that I actually hadn't done since starting the diet. I know that no one wants to hear about my bowel movements, but I think it might be important. I hadn't been for a few days, but hadn't really noticed, what with all my trips to the bathroom for the other one. So Denise recommended Senokot, and she said it was pretty common, so I took that and I went twice so how did I put on weight!!!

And I was having such a good day too! The headaches gone, the food was mixed better and really quite palatable, and I had this amazing burst of energy mid afternoon where I was more energetic that I've been in years.

Bit depressed, but am going to solider on. They did say this might happen, but it is gutting. Ruins my whole chart!!!

ANOTHER 4lbs!!!!!

I lost another 4bs today!!! That's 8lbs in 2 days! And it's not just dodgey scales- my last year jeans have proved it!!

I love life,
I love these milkshakes
I love my last years jeans!

If I were to keep losing weight at this rate (and obviously I know I wont, but bear with me) I'd be 12 stone within 2 weeks!

I was dreading today, because it was my first day at work with this new diet and I knew that people would comment and judge and probably try to scare me off it (apparently Very Low Calorie Diets had some bad press in the early 90s before they were fully regulated and everybody knows someone who knows someone who lost all their hair). But with 8lbs lost, I feel like I have a protective shield against all that crap.

oh...my...god!!!

No one is going to believe this...hell, even I don't really believe it and I have the print out to prove it... I lost 4lbs today!! 4 whole pounds! How is that even possible! And how did I not do this sooner!

I wont pretend I had the best day. I've still got the headache that I went to bed with last night, and I'm not sure if it's related but you surely can't just lose 4lbs with no side effects whatsoever. They did mention I might feel a bit headachey in the first week- I'm supposed to drink more water, but seriously, I'm running to the bathroom every half hour as it is!!!

I had to go all the way to Tescos to get myself weighed again so I could get the official print out for Howard's Way, and while I was there I brought myself some electric scales (something I've never had any inclination to do before!!!) so I can keep track a bit better. I had to do the food shopping for my Dad and sister too, which sucked! The foods I've been given do take away my hunger, and it's not like I feel a need for food, but it's pretty hard to be around all that food, and all those smells and variety of different tastes.

Today's foods were better than yesterdays, I think because I mixed them better. I had strawberry milkshake for breakfast, chicken soup for lunch and chocolate shake again for dinner. All reasonably tasty, which is a huge relief. I asked the people at Howard's Way about it actually, when I was deciding which diet to do and was petrified that I'd wind up eating something that tasted like turd in water for 12 weeks, and she said that they made them 'nice' rather than 'delicious' because with delicious some people will love them and some will hate them, but with nice, everyone likes them enough. Seems a bit weird, but I like them and they're certainly working thus far so no complaints from me!!!

First day!

Today was my first real day on the Howard's Way Diet, in 12 weeks I shall be frequently mistaken for Twiggy!

I woke up early and excited- I had my first call with my locum (random thought: what is a locum exactly? I shall Wikipedia it...

"Locum, short for the Latin phrase locum tenens (lit. "place-holder," akin to lieutenant), is a person who temporarily fulfills the duties of another. For example, a Locum doctor is a doctor who works in the place of the regular doctor when that doctor is absent. These professionals are still governed by their respective regulatory bodies, despite the transient nature of their positions."

...so that explains that one.)

I called my locum, her name is Denise and she seemed really nice and positive, set my mind at rest about a few things and got me all buoyed up and confident that I can do it. What's nice actually, is that all of the staff of this diet thing have done it themselves before- they were obese and now they're not, which helps because I have always hated it when people tell me they know how I'm feeling (normally as they show me the half pound that they put on over Christmas) but I've seen pictures of Denise when she was my size so at least I don't have the words "skinny bitch" going around in my head every time she says she knows what I'm going through!!

So first thing I did was to test my pee. That's to see how my body is functioning and responding to the treatment. I pee in a bottle (which is an art in itself) and then someone I trust (my big brother) dips a papery thing in it and records the colour it turns and fills it in on a little chart. Apparently I'm a level 5, although whether this is a good thing or a not I have no idea.

Charts help. I'm going to make loads of charts of my weight going down and all of my measurements, and then I'm going to put them into Excel and colour code them and get all excited. These are the things that make me happy. It's a sad life, but I enjoy it. I may even buy some stationary!

Anyway, had a chocolate milkshake first thing, but I added too much water and it came out a bit weird. I drank it anyway and it was ok, nothing to write home about but I can definitely live with it. Had a bunch of stuff to do today, as it was a Saturday, so I kept nice and busy and didn't think about it much, but I really didn't get hungry until lunch.

I never know how much of what I eat is hunger and how much is just plain boredom, and that's what worries me slightly about this diet. I've read enough to know that it'll stop me being hungry, and curb my cravings, but how do I stop boredom/comfort eating? I guess that's where the will power bit comes in, and there are special bars and stuff that I've been given, but if I do fail (which I wont) then that will be why (even though I wont.)

So I got me a swanky new hairdo (to go with my new figure...a little premature some might say, but I've always been an optimist), and did some errands before lunch, which was a vegetable soup thing. Not a big vegetable person, so I wasn't really expecting to love that one, and I didn't. Luckily I'm allowed to choose the flavours I want, so I'll ask them to not send any more vegetabley things.

Then I went to see High School Musical 3 with a mate. Totally rocks. Zac Efron is totally hot. We were probably the only people in there who had hit puberty, but I danced my little heart out!

Supper was a butterscotch milkshake. Mixed it right this time and it was pretty tasty. Not Ben and Jerrys, but I could happily live off them for a while! I weighed myself again. Didn't see a difference, but I put it on my chart :) I rang my locum lady as well- they check up on you a lot during the first week, I guess because it's all pretty complicated and new. Apparently I'm still not drinking enough water (drank 3 litres and spent a good half of the day running to the bathroom!), but other than that I got me a gold star. Going to bed now because I have a bit of a headache coming on, hopefully will lose some weight in the night. Bridget Jones often did.

ps. According to the advertising (which I am a sucker for), "Howard's Way is the next best thing to going to bed and waking up thin." I'll let you know tomorrow!!!!!

The 'F' word

Do you know what I find hilariously hilarious? The effort people take to avoid mentioning the word 'fat' in front of me- do they think I've not noticed? That perhaps just saying the word within my vicinity will shatter my self esteem?

I've been called 'large,' 'round', and my personal favourite; 'cuddly.' Think I'd rather just be called fat and have done with it! The problem is of course, that the word fat now implies just about every negative characteristic under the sun; to be fat is to be stupid, lazy and probably flatulent as well.

So I officially start my diet today. I'm very excited! I got myself weighed last night though, and it turns out that I've put on 3 pounds since I signed up! How is that even possible!!!

I thought I'd been pretty good, but it just reaffirms to me that I have not got a clue about what is healthy and what is not (although even I knew that the two McDonalds mid week were probably not good). Looking forward to just being given food and taught what to avoid in the future! I was watching 'Mock the Week' and they were laughing at the idea of kids having lessons in how to eat fruit- sounds dumb, but if they can teach me a way of making fruit more appetising than chocolate cake then I'm sold!

So I'm now 15st 10pounds, which is my official start of diet weight. In 12 weeks time I'll be a svelte 12stone 10, and then I shall conquer the world (or at least be able to keep jeans for more than a few months without them rubbing holes in the thighs). I'm aiming for 3 stone, although I do know that I'll still be overweight. I wanted to pick an amount I knew was achievable, and go from there.

I shall eat/drink my first milkshake now. Hope it doesn't taste too ick and that it fills me up. Those are my main worries, but I spoke to my locum last night and she promised that they aren't too gross and that they fill you up as well as reducing your appetite. Sounds promising, but I shall let you know! Don't go away!!

TFR Total Food Replacement

Oooh, forgot to say- my food came today!

The Very Low Calorie Diet that I'm on is a TFR, or Total Food Replacement. That means I'm not allowed to eat or drink ANYTHING except what they give me (and water). I knew that bit already, but didn't realise how strict it was!

I'm not allowed to
- chew gum
- have headache tablets with sugar on (!)
- have milk or sugar in my coffee!

Apparently in a few days after I start (can't start til I've done a few more checks, which is good because there's so much information in the pack I got this morning that I don't even know where to begin!) I go in to 'Ketosis' which means "state in metabolism occurring when the liver excessively converts fat into fatty acids and ketone bodies which can be used by the body for energy" (gotta love Wiki!). This is apparently a good thing, because when it happens I don't crave food any more and my body uses is better able to use my stored glucose to run my body.

I hope I sounded like I knew what I was talking about there, I've been reading for hours and I'm still a bit confused. Guess that's why I go to Howard's Way for classes and support once a week!

Kerry Katona, Surgery and VLCDs

You know what really upsets me? The weight (no pun intended) that people attach to a person's weight.

I'm obese, and every day I am met with people who assume that I am;
a) thick,
b) secretly pigging out on my secret stash of Mars Bars the second they leave the room (only sometimes true) and
c) constantly miserable about my weight and appearance.

Sure, I'm no Einstein, but that doesn't necessarily mean people need to slow down their speech in order for me to understand them.
Sure, I do eat more than the average person, but that doesn't mean I cannot restrain myself if there happen to be calories within 10 meters of me.
And sure, I don't exactly dance with joy when I look in the mirror each morning.

But that doesn't affect who I am as a person, any more than a person's race, colour or foot size does. I am who I am, despite, and perhaps because of my weight problems.

I saw Kerry Katona hurtling on towards a major career car crash today on "This Morning." She slurred her way through 10 minutes of concerned questions (of the 'are you an alcoholic?' variety) from the presenters (who were clearly seeing the headlines and future 'most embarassing TV moments' appearances in their mind's eye), and then buggered off to make more reality TV shows that no one watches.

She's just had "pints of fat sucked out" of her arse (on camera no doubt), and is back to a size 10 again. So the public watch her self destruct on booze and cocaine, then she uses the cash she earnt from the show to buy herself the surgery to remove the signs of it. No consequences, no responsibility, no sense.

There are millions of women in the world on diets, and a climbing number who can no longer be bothered with so slow and time consuming a process. They want results, and they want them now- that way they can get back to all that important eating and slobbing around that they need to do (why Mr. Kettle, you're looking awfully black today).

Dieting is not easy, but it's surely necessary to go through some pain in order to truly understand the importance of what you're doing? I'm reading constantly at the moment all the documents that Howard's Way have given me, and learning how to live a more healthy life when I come off this diet. Otherwise it's just a cartoon really isn't it? Just Wile E Coyote running off a cliff and falling harmlessly to the ground, when everyone knows he's going to be back on the cliff in five minutes again. Put him in traction for a few months, that's what I say- that'd have him forgetting about Road Runner pretty darned quick and making sure he was never so near damned cliff edge again!

Surgery just bugs me, it's expensive, potentially extremely dangerous, and there's no incentive to change your habits afterwards. A quick fix to what almost always a psychological problem.

So, the point that I'm trying to make is, diets work because they can change lives, not just jeans size.

oooh, catchy!

VLCD

I'm really excited today. I've been putting off writing a blog about the particular diet that I plan to do because I've been really worried they might not accept me. It's a diet program where they perform full medical tests and make sure that you've got your Doctor's permission to go ahead before they'll let you start. After my Doctor told me last time I saw him that I had to lose three stone or risk heart failure, I was absolutely petrified to go back to him a month later and not be any thinner!

It's not like I've wasted that month. I've been researching diet plans really carefully, because I just can't fail this time! I wanted a diet that didn't involve calorie counting (because frankly my maths isn't brilliant and it's waaaaay too easy to cheat), loses the weight quickly but safely (I don't care if it's not the happiest 12 weeks of my life, I just need to lose 3 stone), that had guaranteed results, and preferably didn't involve me strutting around in a leotard doing butt thrusts. Basically I wanted a diet that was quick, effective, safe, simple to follow and impossible to cheat.

So I spent ages researching, and came across the idea of a VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet). It's a diet that delivers less than 800 calories per day, which is apparently the exact amount that we need and no more. They're "formulated, nutritionally complete, liquid meals containing 3350 kJ (800 kcal) or less per day. VLCDs also contain the recommended daily requirements for vitamins, minerals, trace elements, fatty acids and protein. The VLCD products are usually a powder which is mixed with water or another low calorie liquid" according to the all knowing Wikipedia.

So I looked in to a few VLCD companies, and I've gone for HOWARD'S WAY!

QUICK: tick. Apparently the average is over 3 stones in 12 weeks.
EFFECTIVE: tick. 3 STONE IN 12 WEEKS! Do you have any idea how long that normally takes!
SAFE: tick. Hence the Doctor's approval being necessary, plus constant medical checkups (and I think they monitor your pee, which is kinda gross but I can deal with it.)
SIMPLE: tick. all food provided- what could be easier!
IMPOSSIBLE TO CHEAT: tick. Can't cheat if it's all provided. No 'forgetting' that I ate a chocolate bar when adding up my daily intake! Also, there's something called "Ketosis" which is something that your body goes into after a few days on these milkshakes which supposedly stops your cravings. And if you do have something naughty after that they can tell because it's in your pee!)

I had a friend who recommended them (Howards Way) after losing 5 stone(!) with them last year. The reason I think it worked so well with her is because they taught her about what different foods do to the body while she was on the program, so she learnt what not to eat. To be honest, and I know this sounds dumb, but I'm not really sure what's bad and what isn't. I mean, I know that chocolate is bad and apples are good, but why is white bread not as good as brown bread? Sarah (said friend) is always looking at me accusingly when I'm about to munch down on a sandwich, which you would've thought was a pretty healthy snack really, and goes on about broken down starch or something...possibly if I listened more I wouldn't have a BMI of 40 and wouldn't wobble when I walk.

Anyway, my point is that last time I did a diet (Weightwatchers) I lost about 3 stone in just under a year, with huge amounts of hard effort, self denial, weekly humiliation and time at the gym hiding until all the fit people had left, only to put it all on again within 8 months (and then some). This time I want to learn about food and to get in to better habits.

So. I started this post by saying that I was excited, and then proceeded to waffle my way through the subsequent paragraphs without really saying what I was excited about... I got in to the program! They've accepted my application, I've filled in all the paperwork, done my medical examination, my Doctor was really happy with me, and by this time next week I shall be considerably lighter and spending my evenings peeing in a bottle!

(Let me hear you say woop woop!)

Obesity Challenge

I figured if anyone is going to read the story of my extreme diet, they should probably know a thing or two about me. I spent ages trying to type out a few paragraphs that explained who I am, how I got the way I am, and how I feel about it all, but nothing really came out (then I got upset and went to the kitchen and we all know that is a BAD IDEA. Took a whole lotta will power to walk away from the squidgey chocolate gooey cake that some bugger put there to tempt me).

Anyway, to cut a long a slightly meandering story short, I got a friend to ask me some questions and I've answered them as honestly as I can.

MEASUREMENTS:
weight: 15stone 7pounds (98.5kg)
height: 5ft 2inches (158cm) -yes I know I'm small!
BMI: 40
bust: 127cm
waist: 115cm
hips: 123cm

1. How long have you been overweight?
Although I've probably always been a little on the chubby side, it was in sixth form (when I was about 17) that I started putting on the serious weight. I'm 24 now, and although I've gone up and down a few times, it's been at least 7 years since I was a vaguely healthy weight.

2. Do you think there's a reason you started putting on the weight in the first place?
As with every obese person, I'm sure there's a whole bunch of reasons. My parent's divorced when I was young, and although I don't want to put all the blame on that, it did shake my confidence a lot and probably led me to comfort eating.

Also, my Dad is a chef, and brings home pastries and cakes practically every night so there's always been temptation in my way. I think one of the main things I'll have to overcome if I'm to lose this weight is to resist the temptation of eating what's in the cupboards at home!

Everyone talks about the "vicious cycle" of comfort eating, and it's so true. I eat because I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy because I get bullied, and I get bullied because I eat. I'm not doing this diet for the bullies, I'm doing it for me, but a large part of it is regaining the self-esteem that I've lost through being bullied most of my life.

3. How does being overweight make you feel?
I think the predominant feeling is one of being different; of not fitting in. In the school yard and even in the work place, the crime of "not fitting in" is punishable by verbal torment and social ostracism (which was REALLY helpful to my already fairly fragile ego of course). I feel ugly, lazy and tired most of the time.

4. What do you eat on an average day?
hmmm... Lots.
Basically I have my three meals a day and then punctuate it with snacks and pastries and chocolate and all sorts of yummy things that serve no other purpose than making me feel better and adding another pound or two to my already volumptuous arse.

5. Do people comment on your weight?
Not much to my face, I think people are kinda used to it now. When I lost some weight on WeightWatchers last year I really enjoyed getting the compliments that came with it, but of course, that weight all went back on pretty darned fast. That's why I've taken care to pick a diet program this time that provides more after care and support.

6. How does it affect your everyday life?
Mostly in tiredness. I can't keep up with other people that well, and that makes me feel like a burden which (guess what) has me reaching for the chocolatey goodness.

7. What made you decide to start this diet?
Because I'm ready to change my life.

8. Has your weight caused any health problems?
I went to the doctors recently, who gave me a pretty stern talking to about the pressure that I was putting on my heart, as well as my high blood pressure and chances of developing diabetes. He scared the living daylights out of me to be honest, and for that, I thank him because it was the kick up the backside that jump-started this whole thing.

9. What is your ultimate aim?
- To lose 3 stone.
- To lose my double chin
- To touch my toes
- To be healthier, happier and more confident in myself.

10. What are your main doubts and worries?
As a compulsive comfort eater, I worry that my cravings will be stronger than my resolve. It will take me 12 weeks to lose 3 stone, and that's a long time to be strong.

It has to start somewhere

Hi, my name is Emma Wood, and I am obese. Very.

I've known it for a while, but I guess I never really admitted it to myself. You read all the time about how Britain is growing fatter, and how obesity is one of the largest causes of premature death after AIDS and cancer, but it never really occurs to you how much it affects you. You roll your eyes at the statistics, and you gasp in horror when seeing people who can no longer leave their beds. Then you look down and try to remember when the last time that you saw your own feet was.

I don't want to be a statistic. I've finally accepted that I have a problem, and I am determined to do something about it. I have over 3 stone to lose just to go back to being overweight, but I can't do it alone. That's why I started this blog; I've read other blogs of people who have lost lots of weight, and they did it through the help and support of the online community. There are hundreds of other people out there in a similar situation to me, and I need to draw strength from them and, hopefully, provide inspiration in my turn.

Please help me in this.

Thank you, and I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please feel free to comment or to message me about anything you want.

Emma


Traditional "BEFORE" shots: